301 Moved Permanently

301 Moved Permanently


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Live Better

From Leak. Published by BookThug in 2014. Kate Hargreaves is a writer whose work has appeared in Descant, The Antigonish Review and others. She lives in Windsor.

What is your waist to protein rah-rah ratio? Fill in box 32 with your daily calamine intake. Where can I find your hipbones? Be precise. How many days of the last 21 did you engage in strenuous physical activity? (For a complete definition of “strenuous,” please see appendix four. Note that sexual activity only records as strenuous in the circumstance that both partners break a sweat. For a complete definition of “partners,” see appendix sweat). How many grams of complex carbohydrates—how can you eat this shit it tastes like cardboard?—Chart your height on the wall of your childhood kitchen and copy out into the new apartment in pen. Graph your weight with this pie. Three slices for a gain subtract the crust and start again in the bathroom. Order egg whites at the Lumberjack. How many times a month does 1% reduced sodium cottage cheese go on sale at Shoppers Drug Mart? Bike six miles to the clinic for knee x-rays. Wrap unwrap re-tense pre-tensor. Forget your nutrition guide in a downtown Toronto condo. How many days do you have to return that bikini for store credit? Can’t you reach your toes? Big girls can bend but I guess you get credit for licking your own nose. After the warm-up before the stretch check your heart rate with your official team monitor your consumption of peanut butter banana—can’t make it through the gritty mess to the squirrels—where—where water—At what point do you pause to pee? You should only discontinue use if you feel dizzy. Or sore.

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